Yesterday was my birthday. And also the day my Loli passed away. It still feels strange. A mix of celebration and quiet grief. But this year, mas magaan na sa loob.

I could still strongly recall that day. I was there when she took her last breath. I stayed with her. Followed her all the way to the morgue. I saw her lifeless body lying on that cold metal table. No covers. Cold and still. It's jarring, but I didn't turn away. It felt like the least I could do after so many absences. I just stood there quietly until the attendant gently closed the door.

On her first death anniversary, I didn't visit home to attend the padasal. No big plans. Just me, my little family, a hike through the woods of Benguet, and some Char Kway Teow. The same thing happened the following year. I stayed away. I still can't figure out how to hold both celebration and grief in the same day.

This year, I did things differently. I visited her. Lit a candle by her grave and offered a quiet prayer. Still no grand celebration but I gave myself time to rest. At home with my little family. Power naps. Food Panda deliveries. A big slice of ube cake. And a few MacGruber SNL skits just to laugh a little. Chill lang just the way I needed it.

I remember, she once joked, "Kapag nag-asawa na yan, hindi na yan pupunta dito." Though she said it with a small laugh, deep down, I knew what she meant. Because jokes like that are half-meant truths. But I shrugged it off at the time. Maybe she was right after all that's why the regret stings. Life pulled me in all directions.

And she left on my special day. Maybe she didn't choose the day. Maybe it just happened that way. Or it was just one of those weird things life throws at you. Still, it feels like more than coincidence. Like the universe wanted me to always remember her.

Loli, I still remember you in the warm cups of Milo, our afternoons in your dining room, your stories of wartime and childhood, how you would gently cover me with a blanket before you leave the room in the morning, and in the quiet way you began to fade. I still carry the guilt of not showing up enough...but I carry the love too. Always the love.

So, I'm learning to celebrate life differently now. Mine, hers, and everthing in between. Happy birthday to me. And thank you, Loli. For the love, the stories, for being so patient despite of the headaches and heartaches I gave you, for staying up late just to make sure I got home safely... for all the small and quiet ways you showed up for me. You gave so much without asking for anything in return. Now that I’m older, at Nanay na rin, I finally understand the kind of love you gave. 

You are forever missed. Forever loved.